Family Systems & Adverse Childhood Experiences: Understanding & Healing
When you’re raised in a family, you expect that it is your safe space—a place where love is the foundation. But what happens when that foundation is fractured?
Family Systems Theory
Think of a family as a delicate web, where every thread—each person—affects the others. A single pull or tear can cause the whole structure to falter. When dysfunction seeps in, like manipulation or unresolved conflict, it can destabilize the entire system. No one in the family remains untouched by the chaos. We all feel the ripple effect.
For me, this truth was something I didn’t grasp until much later in life. I didn't know any family except the one I had, and as a child, there was no language for what was happening. Our families give us our attachment style whether secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. The dysfunctions in our family of origin are a microcosm for the larger systems.
Reflecting on my childhood, I sometimes wonder if it left a mark on me that I can’t even see—like a scar hidden beneath the surface.
It wasn’t until I learned about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that I began to understand how those hidden scars affect my mental health to this day and show up in my relationships. I didn’t see it then, but I can see it now.
I had done and continue to do the personal work of "peeling the onion" getting to know why I had these people-pleasing, fear of abandonment behaviors. It is messy work lol! But there is something at play beyond my family of origin.
In Black families like mine, the burden of ACEs can sometimes feel even heavier, as systemic issues like racism, economic hardship, and the constant fight for survival overshadowed the need to process and heal from emotional wounds. In our communities, there can be a tendency to put up a strong front, to push through pain for the sake of survival. But the toll this takes on emotional health is undeniable.
How ACEs Show Up in Adulthood
ACEs can also affect how we connect with others. Those of us who experienced ACEs struggle with self-esteem, trust, and the ability to set healthy boundaries. I know I did. I carried the burden for a long time, sometimes that early conditioning played out in worry about not being “good enough,” in needing validation, and being unable to break free from toxic family dynamics that later played out in romantic attachments and even in toxic workspaces.
It wasn’t until I started to unpack my ACEs that I could see these patterns more clearly.
What's Next?
There is so much to unpack and I have only barely skimmed the surface here. In my next post, I will define more terms and talk more about those invisible scars.
Until then, remember to carry what belongs to you. xoxo
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